When They Make Me God...

My Turn Now

When they make me god – and it seems like it’s about time it’s my turn – a few things around here are going to change. 

The first thing I’ll change will be this death thing, and most importantly, that thing about never being able to again talk to the person who died if you’re still living. Who thought that up? Whoever it was - really bad idea. I’m going to change it so that after someone dies, everyone who knew the dead person, or at least all family and friends, get two or three calls or emails with that person, to be used as soon after death as wanted, or saved for however long you care to. Think how much easier on all of us it would be if you could call your deceased loved one a few days after the event and say, hey, how is it over there? Having a good time? Did you hear what Uncle Tom said at your funeral? Did you like the music? Have you been able to find out who your mother really was, and what was that all about, anyway? And exactly how many insurance policies are there, and where’s the key to that locked box I found under your bed?

So much time and grief will be saved once that’s fixed. And it’ll save time and effort on the other side, too – all those folks who went before us trying to get our attention, afterwards, but being limited to trying to affect the physical objects that are now in a different plane, or insinuating themselves into dreams or becoming a haunt – how much energy does that take that could be better used some other way? Dad swore that once you were gone, you were gone ---but then, a couple of weeks after his demise, someone kept putting bars of his bay rum soap in odd places I’d find them – like my garden basket – and someone caused Mom’s cereal bowl to leap out of her hand and fly straight up in the air before spilling all over her. A phone call to say, “Oops, I was wrong,” would have been so much simpler.

Another thing I’m going to change is that politician’s noses are actually going to grow noticeably longer every time they purposely – or casually - tell a lie. It’ll grow twice as fast if they purposely tell a lie about someone else. And all politicians who do the naughty thing they’ve built a reputation on by condemning it in other people are going to turn a permanent shade of glowing, shocking orange.

People who have painful or debilitating, but invisible, health conditions are going to also have an attractive,  glowing mark somewhere on their bodies, so they can easily flash it at all those relatives and friends and doctors who say, “Oh, come on, just buck up and ignore it, you don’t look like you feel that bad!” And once those doubters have seen the mark, they’ll have to shut up about it – no options – and do what they can to make life easier.

All women or other caregivers will be given, on their 45^th birthday, their own personal chef, who knows exactly what her person likes to eat and can prepare it perfectly, and their own personal excellent house-cleaner, for free, for the rest of their lives. Just imagine how that will change menopause…

 

Photo c Charley Freiber

All those debilitating, chronic diseases people get when they’re in their older years and don’t have enough energy to deal with them? No longer. If disease turns out to be something god’s not able to get rid of, I’ll at least change it so you get them when you’re young and have plenty of energy to handle it; the disease will disappear as you age. 

Teleporting will become something you can actually do. You won’t be able to use it willy-nilly, but on those nights when you’re too tired to safely drive home from the office, or when you need to get somewhere fast because someone you love needs your help, the teleporting gene – as yet undiscovered – will kick on.

All people will be like cats, in that we’ll all consider ourselves, and every other human, sleek and beautiful. Imagine how many nasty situations that will change.

People who deserve it will get three wishes to use over the course of their lifetime – no tricks attached. Wishes will be fulfilled in the way most beneficial to the wisher, and won’t include any messy backlashes. All wishes will be rendered perfectly benign, so no inadvertent ill-fortune will accrue to any other individual in the granting of the wish. Wishes to harm another person won’t be filled – but any person who’s deserving would never wish such a thing, so those who might won’t be granted any wishes. Politicians take note.

When I’m god, anyone who presumes to know what I want and tries to enforce my wishes on any other being will be summarily dispatched – no arguments, no bargaining, no second chances. Anything I want you all to know will be conveyed publicly, not secretly. You won’t need to argue about what I meant.

I have a few other plans for when they make me god – but We’ll let those remain surprises.

This article for the blog alone. Deb’s busy planning her Ascension.